I went to church today. I do almost every Sunday. I don't really believe anymore, but I'm too chicken to tell my family that. They'd probably make me go anyway.
The pastor spoke about marriage. His talk today was about the part of the vows that say 'to have and to hold'. I almost cried when I realized that if I'm to stay with my family I'll never have someone to have and to hold. But I couldn't cry, because I was sitting in between my dad and my grandma at church. So I just slouched and wallowed in misery.
It wasn't all terrible though; I had a smirk when the pastor was talking about how a married couple has to work to understand each other because men and women are so different. I also got pretty pissed when they talked about what they had been doing for the past couple months; the children's ministry people were going to public schools for some outreach thing. I mean, c'mon. How does that not violate separation of church and state?
So I was distracted by that stuff for a while. Well, that and lunch with some distant relatives that were visiting. But then I get home and everyone else leaves for a ball game and I stay to do homework and I start thinking about it again. I always imagine myself going off to college at Harvard or someplace a little less conservative than here. I get a degree there and stay to get a job and find love and maybe even start a family. But what if I don't get into Harvard? What if I end up at WSU or WATC or something? I'd be stuck here, waiting to somehow meet someone while still being in the closet. I also started thinking about marriage.
I'd always thought that I didn't want to get married, that I didn't believe in love. Then I discovered that I was looking in the wrong places. So now I'm thinking that I want the right to marry, of course. But then I start to question if I actually want marriage. I mean, I do want to spend my life with an amazing woman. But what would the marriage be like? We'd invite our friends, the family that supports us... then what? Would we both have bridesmaids? Would our fathers walk us both down the aisle? Who would be pulling the garter off whom at the reception? Would my parents even come? Would my grandma support us? Would my sister be a bridesmaid? Would I want her as a bridesmaid? Who would carry whom over the threshold? Would we be missing out if we just spruced up a little, went down to City Hall, and signed a piece of paper?
So I'm sitting in the living room alone, all this fear and doubt and confusion running through my mind, and I wanna cry. But I just can't. So I get on YouTube and start looking up sad Carrie Underwood videos and when I watch the last part of Temporary Home it makes my think of my grandma and I start thinking. What if the breast cancer hadn't gone into remission? What if it comes back? What if I never come out to her? Would I regret it? Should I not come out to her for her sake? So my eyes start tingling and burning and watering but I still can't quite cry. So I abandon the music videos and look up something that has made me cry before. I watch the ending of the Doomsday episode of Doctor Who and I start pretty much crying when Rose is crying at Bad Wolf Bay when the Doctor tells her that he'll probably never see her again. Then I start bawling when Rose tells the Doctor that she loves him and he says "Quite right, too. And I suppose... It's my last chance to say it... Rose Tyler-" and then the gap seals and he never gets to say that he loves her. And then I start laugh-crying with tears streaming down my face when Donna shows up.
Long story short: I'm a pathetic blubbering mess.
I can't wait until next week.
The pastor spoke about marriage. His talk today was about the part of the vows that say 'to have and to hold'. I almost cried when I realized that if I'm to stay with my family I'll never have someone to have and to hold. But I couldn't cry, because I was sitting in between my dad and my grandma at church. So I just slouched and wallowed in misery.
It wasn't all terrible though; I had a smirk when the pastor was talking about how a married couple has to work to understand each other because men and women are so different. I also got pretty pissed when they talked about what they had been doing for the past couple months; the children's ministry people were going to public schools for some outreach thing. I mean, c'mon. How does that not violate separation of church and state?
So I was distracted by that stuff for a while. Well, that and lunch with some distant relatives that were visiting. But then I get home and everyone else leaves for a ball game and I stay to do homework and I start thinking about it again. I always imagine myself going off to college at Harvard or someplace a little less conservative than here. I get a degree there and stay to get a job and find love and maybe even start a family. But what if I don't get into Harvard? What if I end up at WSU or WATC or something? I'd be stuck here, waiting to somehow meet someone while still being in the closet. I also started thinking about marriage.
I'd always thought that I didn't want to get married, that I didn't believe in love. Then I discovered that I was looking in the wrong places. So now I'm thinking that I want the right to marry, of course. But then I start to question if I actually want marriage. I mean, I do want to spend my life with an amazing woman. But what would the marriage be like? We'd invite our friends, the family that supports us... then what? Would we both have bridesmaids? Would our fathers walk us both down the aisle? Who would be pulling the garter off whom at the reception? Would my parents even come? Would my grandma support us? Would my sister be a bridesmaid? Would I want her as a bridesmaid? Who would carry whom over the threshold? Would we be missing out if we just spruced up a little, went down to City Hall, and signed a piece of paper?
So I'm sitting in the living room alone, all this fear and doubt and confusion running through my mind, and I wanna cry. But I just can't. So I get on YouTube and start looking up sad Carrie Underwood videos and when I watch the last part of Temporary Home it makes my think of my grandma and I start thinking. What if the breast cancer hadn't gone into remission? What if it comes back? What if I never come out to her? Would I regret it? Should I not come out to her for her sake? So my eyes start tingling and burning and watering but I still can't quite cry. So I abandon the music videos and look up something that has made me cry before. I watch the ending of the Doomsday episode of Doctor Who and I start pretty much crying when Rose is crying at Bad Wolf Bay when the Doctor tells her that he'll probably never see her again. Then I start bawling when Rose tells the Doctor that she loves him and he says "Quite right, too. And I suppose... It's my last chance to say it... Rose Tyler-" and then the gap seals and he never gets to say that he loves her. And then I start laugh-crying with tears streaming down my face when Donna shows up.
Long story short: I'm a pathetic blubbering mess.
I can't wait until next week.
